so ive been having a really bad time recently and all ive been doing is binging and binging and eating and i feel so bad i just hate myself so much. But i am sick and tired of failing. i am fed up of setting goals and not reaching them. Tired of letting myself down and never accomplishing what i started with. By giving in and letting myself eat this much ive put on so much weight i am ashamed. This time i’m going to start again. This time i’m going to make it worth it. This time i’m going to have discipline. I know its not going to be easy, but i do know its going to be worth it. No more binging, or unhealthy food, or overeating, or giving in to cravings, no more slacking off exercise, or being lazy in bed. I hate the way i am but its all my fault. This time i’m going to change and this time will be the last time i say this. I can do it and i will.

i just spent the day with my friend and she actually has the most amazing figure :( shes around 5ft i think and weighs about 86/8 lbs and even though she might be a bit underweight its natural so it doesnt look bad and wow i just felt so jealous the whole time though :( 

so for the last two days i’ve been ill and on my period and lets just say.. it wasnt pretty. i have just eaten and eaten and i look awful and terrible. i am so annoyed with myself and i am going to work myself so hard to show that i can do this and i’m not just another failure. yeah thats right, i’ll show everybody- i’ll show myself. this time is the last time and this time is the best time

sorry if this doesnt make sense.. im rambling on a bit

I’m going skiing tommorrow so i wont be here for three days but ive put a bunch of stuff on queue :) i’ll miss tumblr but good luck everybody :)

my older sister was giving me a piggy back but then she started complaining that i was too heavy and my mum said ‘it must be all that granola youve been eating’ (i love granola) but it was because i’d been letting myself go i hadnt been pushing myself and i’d been eating whatver. i’m so ashamed now. i’ll show them, i’ll show them all.

going for a run

okay so today me and my friend were doing a 4k race together. i decided that although i hate my thighs i would wear leggings (i look vile and horribly fat in them) because nobody i knew would be there. we arrive at the race and i take of my tracksuits so i’m just wearing leggings and then we see our friend who we havent seen in 3 years. she’s super skinny and takes one look at my thighs and i can see her judging me already. i hated it. we started the race and all i could see was my shadow and even my shadow is big which is saying something. i quickly ended up at the back and i was struggling to finish and i walked a bit. i came last by quite a substantial way and i even made myself fall over so that it didnt seem quite so pathetic when people asked me where i came. but i’m still proud of myself for finishing because it was a hard race and 2 people dropped out but i kept going. so that was a piece of irrelevant information about my day but it motivates me so that next time (the next race is in a month) if i see her again i can show off my skinny thighs. :)

ive gained over christmas. i want to curl up in a ball, a fat ball, and cry. but i wont. im going to lose more weight now im going to make it happen.
My family Christmas eve party

I went to a christmas eve party at my aunts house to celebrate with my cousin because its her birthday. I was sitting down with my other cousins (one of which is tall, blonde, beautiful and extremely skinny). My aunt started going around handing out slices of cake. She got to my cousins and gave them both a piece and then she came to me. She looked me up and down and said ‘why dont i give you a.. small piece then?’

i felt like curling up in a ball and crying.

and i took the cake. and ate it all. 

i hate myself sometimes.